i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Randomize
