Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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