tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
