After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
