I'm really into asian looking animals
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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