Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
