i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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