i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
