omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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