I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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