I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
