He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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