ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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