when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
