1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
