saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
