Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
