having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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