guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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