white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
