so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
