You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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