How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
