i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
