Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
