I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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