I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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