I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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