my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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