i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
