The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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