She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
