I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
