I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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