I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
