My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
