I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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