He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
