remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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