I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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