His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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