final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
