I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize