Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
