so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
