Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
