Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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