Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
