Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
