FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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