i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
