: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
