I am puke
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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