So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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