I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
