I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
