What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
