its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
