she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This baby is an asshole
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
