Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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