i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
