So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
