the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
